It's been a while since I've posted a blog entry here, and that's not because I'm giving up the dream. No, if anything, I'm more dedicated to the dream than before. I'm in a new town full of new things to explore and I have very few people to talk to aside from my computer (don't feel sorry for me. I like it that way). The past few weeks have been dedicated to moving, saying goodbye to my family and friends, packing and unpacking my life, talking to my cat, and situating myself in my new life. Now I'm ready to write again.

So! I have exciting things planned. School starts in a week, and maybe I'll write a little bit about how that's going at some point. I also have a Guardians of the Galaxy movie review in the works. I know a lot of people are writing about this movie, but I have a few of my own things to say about it. I'm going to go see it again with my boyfriend tomorrow, and then I think we might linger and check out the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles disaster. I know it's going to be bad, but I can't help myself. The Ninja Turtles were a huge part of my childhood. So those things are coming up. Along with other things I may or may not have in the drafts. 

Is everyone excited? Great. I'm signing off for now, but I will be back in a few day's time and will be posting more regularly from here on out. Until then, I'm leaving you with a picture of the matching Ninja Turtles keychains from when my brother and I went to Lego Land last weekend. Be jealous. 

Let me start this off by saying I have often said that I don't understand the need for fancy cameras and professional photography, that I'm perfectly okay with using my cell phone camera to capture the special moments in my life, etc. etc. 

First of all: I'm entitling this entry "Confessions of an Anxious Ogre" because I had the title set to "Confessions of A . . ." and I didn't know how to finish that phrase. Is there a word for a person who is so anxious that they actually make themselves sick when their anxiety is not kept in check? I want a title, dammit. It would make my problems seem so much more important, wouldn't it? No such luck. When I googled "What do you call an anxious," the first search query that popped up was "What do you call an anxious ogre?" So turns out this is a joke. A really stupid joke. So stupid that I'd rather not repeat it here. If you're so intent on knowing, you can Google it or Bing it or whatever it is you do (I'm not here to endorse any search engine . . . unless either of you guys want to pay me to do this. Then I will totally update this blog entry to reflect your financial support). 

So hi. I'm an anxious ogre. I'm going to do a candid personal entry about my anxiety and my growing understanding about anxiety in the hopes that it will help me understand it and maybe in the hopes that this will reach someone who also deals with similar issues. Maybe. Part of me (the anxious part of me, probably. I do a lot of asides, don't I?) hopes no one will ever find this. But, you know, if you did find yourself here, welcome. These are my confessions.

Did anyone else start singing the following Usher song to themselves when I said that?

Because yeah, I totally meant to do that. Also, you are awesome. Click "Read More" to read more.

"They don't kill you unless you light them," he said as Mom arrived at the curb. "And I've never lit one. It's a metaphor, see: You put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don't give it the power to do its killing."

While I see his point, I guess what I can't really get over is despite his trying to stick it to cancer by putting the "killing thing" in his mouth, he still goes out and buys cigarettes fairly often. And since money is power, he is in fact giving power to the killing thing by helping to keep cigarette companies in business.

All that aside, I was able to shrug off the metaphor for the most part in the novel. However, in the film, Augustus Waters looked like a giant douche bag every time he stuck one of these in his mouth. I found myself rolling my eyes every time it happened and it pulled me out of the movie. Seriously, why doesn't anyone tell him he looks like an idiot? You might think this is a small detail. Maybe it is. But sometimes it just takes little things like this for me to have difficulty taking a work seriously.

2. The emotional manipulation. I'm not going to lie to you. I cried a lot at the end of this book. Then when I saw this movie, I cried again. I don't have a heart made of ice. I'm a human being. I couldn't help but cry. But the whole time I did so, especially during the movie, I felt angry at how the story was manipulating me. I wasn't crying because of the story because I didn't feel like there was much of one (no conflict, remember?). I wasn't crying because of my deep connection with the characters (I hate these guys, remember?). I was crying because I have a brother who has cancer and I connected what was happening to my own experiences and how I would feel if this were my family member. Sadly, I think most people have a connection to cancer in some way or another. I think the reason this story is so sad for most of us is because of our emotional connection to cancer rather than our emotional connection to this story in particular. In that way, this story seemed manipulative to me and I was annoyed that I was so sad after reading/watching it. Damn you, John Green. 

As you can see, my feelings about the merits of this story (both the novel and the film) are conflicted. I also have major issues with Shailene Woodley because she's a freaking idiot. But that's also a story for another post, probably. And in conclusion, the end.

Scouring the web, I found a lot of information about blogs. Everyone has an opinion on how one should write a blog, what kind of blogs are in demand, what kind of blogs get traffic, what kind of blogs will leave you feeling like your most fulfilled self, etc. etc. 

I should probably find all of this information helpful. Instead, I've found it daunting. What business do I have starting a blog when I have no idea what I would focus on, what my niche would be? I am a person with a lot of interests, none of which I feel extremely specialized in. I like television, movies, fashion, cooking, cats (obviously), coffee, running, working out, football, and indulging in fandoms (my personal favorites are Harry Potter, Sailor Moon, and Game of Thrones, but I have plenty of space in my heart for more). The only thing that all of this stuff has in common is that I like to write about these things. And I suppose it would be nice to have a forum with which do do this. 

I don't think my opinions and ideas are necessarily any more valid than anyone else's, which I think is the reason it's been difficult for me to sit down and blog regularly. I lack the self-confidence (or the ego, depending on how you see it), and I'm not sure I want to share my vision of the world with other people. I've kind of enjoyed keeping it to myself all of these years. This is the true struggle of being a writer, wanting to write but wishing for your writing to remain in your private sphere. A career cannot be made of this.

Not that I think a career can be made of this kind of blogging either. I'm far too sincere for my own good, and as I mentioned earlier, I intend to write about whatever I feel like writing, so unless you're exactly me with my exact taste in everything, you probably won't like it here. But that's okay. I'm breaking the rules. I'm going to straddle the middle ground between writing for myself and writing for whoever accidentally stumbles across this blog. For that person, I'm sorry. I'm doing my best. But let me remind you I'm just kinda doing what I want here. 

And already I'm surprising myself in the process. I told myself that this time around I was NOT going to write an introductory post because I always start blogs, write an introduction, and then never look at the blog again. But here I am. Oops. I'd better quit while I'm ahead.

Content to come soon. I promise this time. Not for you, but for myself.

Happy birthday, blog! You're zero years old today.